Phoenix

Photo by Peter John Maridable on Unsplash

For 6 months I lived in a haunted forest. Crawled through a vast wilderness of my own making I could not escape. A land within my own mind that I did not recognise, and yet I had planted the seeds which bore its existence. 

I did not know the word psychosis back then. So I stumbled over the broken roots and twisted limbs of my strange new existence, unable to speak of the horrors I could see around me, unable to understand how others could not see it too. 

For 6 months the trees of my new home crept sinisterly towards the sky, destroying my hope of navigating my way out of the mess I had created. 

I did not know I was in control back then. So I begged others to save me. Would give them everything I had in the hopes that if I gave them enough they would tear those horrifying trees out their roots and see the way back to my soul again. 

For 6 months I tried to escape the forest from swallowing me whole. I held onto the last remaining shreds of my mind like a butterfly. Fragile. Easy to lose. One day it could fly away and never return. 

I did not know that my soul could be powerful back then. I did not know how to plant the right seeds so that the trees in my mind protected instead of judged me. I did not know how to kiss love into my roots so that I healed generational wounds. I did not know how to bloom without someone watching. I did not know how to stop blaming myself for not knowing. 

For 6 months this nightmare forest created a world I did not recognise. But when I fell down into the dirt, I saw that I had been planting these seeds my whole life. The forest held too much toxicity to be saved. So I burned the entire forest down to save my mind instead. 

I know it is not an overnight story to plant a new forest. That it takes time to grow your roots so deep into the ground that your trees stand as unshakable warriors. You have to be patient before you will see the blooming of each beautiful flower you have gifted into your soul. I also know that I must be the only one to plant each seed and tend to its growth for the forest to ever respond to me. 

So after nearly 3 years I keep care of the saplings that have since burst from the ground. I smile at the bursts of colour from my new flowers and I listen to the birds, so many birds, that I can hear singing to my soul. 

The butterfly has not gone, it was always a Phoenix. 

Amie Robertson is a 24 year old primary school teacher with a passion for educational equality and prisoner’s rights. Amie’s brothers’ imprisonment during her teenage life led her to many years of soul searching and wandering but ultimately birthed the desire to make these kinds of experiences easier for young people. Amie is involved in KIN arts collaborative in Glasgow, an organisation for young people affected by family imprisonment who also campaign for prisoners’ right to vote. Amie’s heroes include Oprah, Desmond Tutu and her tough-as-hell, salt-of-the-earth mother; all of whom have taught her the importance of forgiveness, standing in your truth and using whatever life throws at you to build a better world.