by Katie May
Image credit: PeacefulPirateNinja
When I was 5 years old I wanted to be a superhero,
or at least
I wanted to have superpowers
I wanted to fly
I wanted
to be able to know what a cloud felt like
on the inside
I wanted to know where the birds went
and I wanted to get away from all that white noise.
I thought that if I could touch a star
I would shine just as bright
I thought
flying
was freedom.
I wanted to be invisible,
I wanted to sit
in a corner
and read
all day.
I didn’t want to talk,
people always asked me what I was thinking,
I wanted to keep my thoughts for me
so they didn’t die.
I thought that if people couldn’t see me
I wouldn’t care about what they thought of me.
I thought
invisibility
was freedom.
Now I’m 21 I know that being a superhero starts underground,
you can’t fly
before you walk
if your foundations cannot hold
the strength it takes you just to exist,
because flying isn’t freedom
if the world has made you despise the thing
that sets you free.
The inside of a cloud is just wet,
maybe you could find its silver lining
but the rain would still fall
and your wings would still be stitched together
with self loathing.
Invisibility
is a curse.
The day I finally accepted
that my wings are tinged
with all the beauty of a rainbow,
was the same day I learned that actually
there’s no pink a rainbow.
Apparently my long hair and short skirts mean that my femininity caters to the male gaze.
Apparently
I’m not gay
enough.
So when I came out for the first time
I was met with,
“Well, at least you play sports”
like it was some sort of consolation prize for my unfortunate disposition,
or compensation for the fact
that I only own three plaid shirts.
Now I’m 21 I know that being a superhero starts with words.
So this poem
is for the girl who thinks that she can’t love girls
because she wants to be a princess too,
this poem is for the girl who
whenever she has to come out to a man
gets the added bonus of being asked if she wants a threesome,
this poem is for the girl who
despite the rainbow that grows in her soul
still searches for the silver lining in the cloud
that lives above her head
because the rest of the world refuses to see her.
Katie May
Katie is 22 years old, recently completed a masters’ in English and plans to undertake a PhD and pursue a career in academia. She is extremely introverted (and proud), and currently trying to find her feet as an anxious postgraduate in the adult world. Writing — whether it be journals, poems, or essays — often helps her attempt to make sense of the world around her. She has been writing poetry for about about 7 years, heavily based on her own personal experiences of mental health. More recently she has started writing a range of articles and blog posts for different organisations that reflect some of her other passions and interests, such as feminism, education, and sport.
PeacefulPirateNinja
Remi Jokiranta, aka PeacefulPirateNinja, is a 20-year-old psychology student from Finland currently studying in Edinburgh. They are very passionate about human rights (especially women’s and LGBTQIA+ rights) and animal rights and they advocate for these causes in many different ways (street activism, social media, art, etc.). They love to draw, paint and write poems. They’re also very passionate about self-love, addressing mental health issues and being inclusive to everyone.
