Schizophrenia, Creativity and Me

Carol Ashe

Background

In 2016, I fell into a deep psychosis which lasted 3 months. Living for years with untreated Schizophrenia, things had worsened to the point that I lost all concept of reality. I travelled the UK on different trains, believing I was a code, sent to save the universe.

I experienced delusions, hallucinations, voices as well as physical effects of the psychosis.

I eventually became a missing person after a severely traumatic event, one I am still healing from.  The severe trauma meant that the psychosis symptoms I was already experiencing went into overdrive. I was missing for four days, my family urgently — alongside police — trying to find me. Being in the grip of psychosis, no one could reach me. I was found at the back of a double decker bus in Harrow bus garage in London at 3AM, suffering from hypothermia. I was very lucky to be found alive and I am forever grateful to those who searched for me.  I was taken to an intensive care unit for the mentally ill in my home town Glasgow, traveling from London with police in the back of a cage, as I was sectioned under the mental health act.

Medication

One of the most important factors in living with Schizophrenia is taking medication as prescribed and on time every day. Without these medicines, I would not be able to function. However, it has taken time to get the right levels but finally I am on the correct medication.  I’m forever grateful to my psychiatrist for her assessment of me and for giving me the correct diagnosis. It means I can move forward.

Sobriety

Having a history of self-medicating, one of the most important factors in managing my Schizophrenia, is remaining sober and staying away from illicit substances, as these can cause psychosis. I remain vigilant over the effects mind and mood altering substances could have on my recovery. My sobriety is an anchor in my life. I live sober for the betterment of myself and to protect my family from deep concern.

Music Therapy

Not long after my discharge from hospital and my section being lifted, I self-referred to Nordoff Robbins, a Music Therapy Charity. I was given an amazing opportunity to begin my healing through music. I attend once a week which has allowed me to gain clarity from my illness, through the use of music and improvisation. I’ve found drumming to be one of the best tools, to not only distract me from my symptoms but to bring me closer to where I want to be as a human being.  I gain strength from drumming. The relationship I have with my music therapist has developed over the 16 months to be one of the most empowering relationships I have ever experienced. She walks alongside me as I uncover the beauty I have within, helping me reach a level of self love that I never believed was possible.

Painting

I enjoy painting to distract from hallucinations and voices. I find that using expressive art to contain the hallucinations and the voices especially helps. Painting has been such an amazing, therapeutic release for me. Having been an inpatient a number of times at psychiatric units since 2016, I’ve found painting helps me with the admissions. I’ve then used painting as a tool at home to uncover different parts of me and see how Schizophrenia affects me. Expressive Art is my art therapy. It is such a powerful and wonderful way of managing my Schizophrenia.

I took part in an exhibition called ‘Out of Sight,Out of Mind’ which is ran by The Scottish Mental Heath Arts Festival throughout October 2018 in Edinburgh. I feel very honoured that the paintings I have created to help with my mental illness were displayed.

Songwriting

Songwriting is one of the most powerful tools I have in order to empower me and increase my sense of self. I bought an electric guitar and was donated a keyboard, so I use songwriting as a tool to distract from symptoms. I thoroughly enjoy writing music.

My psychiatrist once asked me if I write about mental illness and I said, “no, I write songs about old lovers!”  Although its important to concentrate on recovery, it is equally vital to have a creative outlet, which involves a part of me as Carol and to develop my own identity, away from my psychotic illness. I strongly believe Schizophrenia does not define me.

Creativity and songwriting in particular, allows expression of self, therefore, I know I am not my illness — it is just part of me.

Photography

Photography is a hobby. I absolutely love capturing special moments, especially when I am on the beach or in the city. A great means of distraction from my symptoms but a way of saving memories also. I find it very cathartic.

Sewing

I attend a sewing class, which I have found has helped me. The process of following a pattern and the concentration that it takes to sew, enables a sort of escapism from the symptoms.

What Have I Learnt?

Through the power of creativity there is a genuine place for recovery, on a daily basis, from Schizophrenia. Without these creative tools, I’d be lost. Not only is it an outlet, it is the foundation in my recovery. I have a long term goal of recording my album. It is something I believe will build my self esteem. I believe creativity is the answer to this longterm mental illness, at least for me personally.

Combined and consistently, the creative toolbox that I have makes up a solution to my illness, helps build my self-confidence, uncovers my identity that I’d lost for many years to illness and encourages me to reach a higher potential. However humble that potential may be, it increases my happiness on a daily basis. Creativity, is the gateway to my future and I can look ahead, with joy.