Being Brilliant

Image credit: Chris Kent 

First of all, I’d just like to clarify that being brilliant isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s actually a lot of pressure. There are expectations to live up to, deadlines to meet, appearances to keep up — because people expect a lot when you are brilliant.

So don’t, whatever you do, become addicted to being brilliant — start to fall short of people’s sky-high expectations —  and then spectacularly fall from grace.

Like I did.

Because it kind of ruins the moment….

Before my addiction took hold, I was a high achiever: a perfectionist. A fear of never quite being good enough drove me forwards relentlessly. I was always pushing, pushing, pushing myself — ‘dragging home the invisible bone’. It feels like you are desperately trying to impress someone who wouldn’t actually give two shits if you bought home gold in the Olympics… in every single category. Yet, you still try and get them to notice you anyway.

And you just end up exhausted.

That’s kind of what happened to me.

Because striving for perfection is draining. The standards that you set for yourself are often so high, that more often than not you will fail to meet your own, unachievable goals. Which, in the mind of a perfectionist, basically translates to ‘not being good enough’. Which can make you feel bad, and have a massive impact on both your physical and mental health.

Perfectionists tend to have higher levels of anxiety and depression than other people, which in turn can distort thought patterns  — resulting in an unhealthy mindset, a tendency towards addiction and, in extreme cases, suicide. Thankfully, I settled for only two out of those three, but at times it was a close call.

My constant need for perfection was a huge factor in my downfall, because I was a shining star for years. The things that I achieved were huge in that time, but only because I pushed myself to the absolute limit and wore myself into the ground in the process.

Plus there was a gaping hole in my life that urgently needed fixing, and I realised no amount of brilliance could do that. Which is why I retired from being brilliant. I went and had a rest — a really long one —  so that I could conquer my addiction, get some sleep, and gather my thoughts while I decided on my next move.

Which right now is to carry on looking after myself. Save some money. Write my book. Meet a nice guy.

And my brilliance is still here — all of it. But now it’s saved for special things and special people who will appreciate it.

It’s no longer for public consumption — because I’m done with being brilliant. It’s massively overrated, and having recovered myself and taken stock of my life, I’ve decided that these days I much prefer being ordinary.

Just A Girl is a tiara-wearing, cat-loving secret snapchat queen and a mental health writer.  She is passionate about ending stigma on addiction / homelessness and all things mental health related.

Chris Kent is an artist, illustrator and woodworker who identities as non-binary. Chris lives in the Scottish Borders and sometimes works in Edinburgh for Edinburgh Museums and running workshops. Chris explores ideas of identity/uncertainty mainly by making art.